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"When Stepdad Becomes The Odd Man Out"
by: Tony Zizza
With the arrival of Father's Day this month, seems
like it's just another
day for stepdads to hear (and feel) they aren't "real." This is
incredibly
interesting, but it does nothing to shed the sadness off the daily
situation
for the true American heroes
on June 20th - stepdads.
We are heroes because we make real money for our families, offer real emotional support for our families, and most important of all, we attempt to give real time of ourselves to help out with homework and chores. All for the betterment of our stepchildren
and spouses.
on June 20th - stepdads.
We are heroes because we make real money for our families, offer real emotional support for our families, and most important of all, we attempt to give real time of ourselves to help out with homework and chores. All for the betterment of our stepchildren
and spouses.
The obstacles we face even years after becoming
what I guess is called
"a stepfamily", are both insidious and daunting. You know, after a
while
you get used to the "you're not my real dad" refrain, though it still
smarts.
What I, a stepdad for almost four years, cannot get used to is the
assumption
we're just supposed to be advisors to our stepchildren. Like
an Uncle
or buddy.
This is completely false and dangerous when
biological fathers are absolutely
out of the picture. I mean, for years. No phone
calls, no weekends,
no birthday cards, no nothing. In this case, the stepchild
and their
mother would be wise to welcome in stepdad.
Personally, I know I should never and do not want
to ever be a "replacement
dad" to my stepdaughter. You can't erase biology.
You can't
wish things away. You can't be guaranteed love in return from
anyone.
Nonetheless, for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad
must have the respect
of his spouse and stepchild. Without this, stepdad always
becomes
the odd man out. Stepchildren themselves must "step up" to
the other
parent in the house. Only good things evolve when this
happens.
Bad things evolve when stepdad becomes the odd man
out. The only
voice of reason. Of discipline. Of
expectation. Of pride.
Stepfamilies are destroyed when stepdads are not just taken for
granted,
but manipulated and made to feel invisible.
I don't have to tell you all the true and lousy
statistics that await
children who either refuse to have a "dad" in their life or just don't
have one through no fault of their own. What I can't get
handle on
as a stepdad and a human being is some stepchildren and their mothers
say
they don't want or need a father because they supposedly never had one.
This needs to stop. This is textbook -
insanity. This is
like someone refusing food because they have not eaten in a
week.
Like, why bother to eat now? Yet this is what I, and so many
other
stepdads, have to bear witness to. Certainly, horrible things happen
to all of us when we least expect it. When stepchildren and their
mothers
shut out male authority in the house, real opportunities for growth,
unity
and love are squashed.
What are we to do to make Father's Day a
celebration for stepdads instead
of the Sunday slap in the face it has become? Respect
us. Listen
to us. Trust us.
Above all else, let us in. Because when
stepdad becomes the odd
man out, a stepfamily then stands on very shaky ground. And what a
shame
given the fact today's children could only benefit from the life
lessons
stepdads everywhere want to share with their
stepchildren.
stepchildren.
****
Zizza is a freelance writer who writes frequently
about stepfamilies.
He serves as Vice President/Georgia of the non-profit organization,
Parents
For Label and Drug Free Education. Web site:
http://www.ablechild.org
http://www.ablechild.org